repost from 2007- The New Year! Here's to Sloth, Drunkenness and Gluttony

As the New Year approaches, I'm fashioning the resolutions which are made by so many of us, with the best of intentions and the least amount of hope for completion. What lofty promises shall I attempt this year?  Hmmm... perhaps I'll exercise more (that'll be easy, since I exercise zero at the present time) lose 20 pounds (need to get rid of my armour-plated bra and jewel-encrusted tiara), procure a fulfilling job ( no comment), be nicer, more patient and less crabby (oh, yeah!), save more money for retirement (that would be another zero), see the dentist more often, follow through on projects....jeez, those all seem so very unglamorous and daunting!  How does one go about making reasonable promises to one's self?  It's so much easier to continue the routine of sloth, drunkenness and gluttony.

So, here's my 2008 No-Fail Resolution Plan:  What if I promise not to exert myself more than necessary (perspiring can be so, well, sweaty), spend money on trivial things, swear like a sailor (done!) and eat more dairy(√), sugar (√) and salty cashews (√)?  I will be Jabba the Hut with an attitude and style!  I will not envy my neighbors wife, husband, children (twits all), hybrid car (puh-leeze!), or landscape designer.  I will simply roll out of my front door, with my botoxed forehead (never), freshly manicured nails (never), expensively highlighted tresses (never), and whore-couture clothing (not intentionally). Jazzercise, schmazzersize!  I'm going to have my belly fat sucked directly into a pipeline to a deserving third world nation so that they can produce enough energy to manufacture fair-trade jewelry and sweaters, which I can then buy at a 1000% mark-up!   Additionally, I will be globally guilt-free and feel doubly wonderful about myself!
Screenshot from the film Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)


Speaking of which;  I recently asked a salesperson at the local Whole Fools Grocery store about a simple, tea-dyed, hand-knitted Croatian hemp sweater that was for sale. "$198", she replied with breathless excitement.  As my eyes widened and my jaw dropped, she quickly added, " Don't you just love how our clothes have a conscience? "  Yeah...it's good to know that inanimate objects have evolved to the point of consciousness!   I wondered if the gold ring through her nose had a feeling about its position and function.

Anyway, I am simply unmotivated to alter my finely-honed daily routine of bad behavior.  I'm increasingly irritated by the social pressures to accept the supposition that I have caused global warming!   As long as Al Gore flies around the world in his private jet, living in several multi-thousand square-foot homes and continues to drive a fleet of 4x4 SUV's, I am not going to go into debt by purchasing a hybrid automobile, use only one square of toilet tissue and stop using deodorant.  Look, I'm still darning socks and resoling my husband’s work boots!  I dig out the last bits of my lipstick, turn the heat off at night and cook all of our food from scratch.  What else do you want- bring back the rickshaw?
So here is my list of 2008 New Year’s Resolutions:


1. I will keep my resolutions at least until the next big holiday-Is Arbor Day an official holiday?
2. I will think about doing some exercise.
3. I will hope that I don't eat too much fat, sugar and salt.
4. I will try to understand my children's point-of-view (even if that requires a lobotomy or a bottle in front of me!).
5. I will attempt to get my taxes in on time.

6. I will enjoy Nature's bounty and be thankful that I even have the opportunity to make resolutions! [Photo by Carol Brandt]

So there! Cheers and good luck with your resolutions and have a happy, healthy and productive New Year! Or not...